Is Your Friend Adopting? 20 Things Not to Ask About the Birth Mom

[Lisa Copen]

This article can be reprinted if everything in the article, including the footer, stays exactly "as is" and I'd love to know where it's used so I can say thanks!

---

Is Your Friend Adopting? 20 Things Not to Ask About the Birth Mom by Lisa Copen

When a friend shares that she is adopting, whether this is her first child or an addition to her family, her choice to increase her family in this way is very personal. Her heart may be heavy with fears of the unknown; at the same time, she may be more excited about the prospect of parenting than she had been for awhile. She may want to talk non-stop about the adoption procedure or she may be quiet and not yet ready to open up about it.

It's natural for you to have questions and curiosity about how the whole adoption process works. You may even be concerned for her feelings. You don't want to see her hurt or disappointed. But hold back on your questions and give her respect and privacy regarding the adoption. She will share what she desires in her own time.

Here are some things that most adoptive moms have heard from well-meaning best friends to total strangers. The comments all sting. Do both your friend and yourself a favor by being aware of things to avoid asking.

[1] Why did she decide to give the child up for adoption?

[2] Is she on drugs? Does she smoke? Do you know how that can harm a baby?

[3] How much does she drink do you think?

[4] Has she seen a doctor at all during her pregnancy?

[5] Does she have mental problems?

[6] What does it say about a person who can give her baby to a total stranger?

[7] What if she wants her back?

[8] Why didn't she use some birth control?

[9] Where is her family in this picture? I wonder why her parents won't just help her raise the baby.

[10] Are you supposed to take care of all her medical bills? I've heard those stories where the woman just says she's giving her baby up so her medical bills are paid, and then she takes off and says she changed her mind when the baby is born.

[11] If she changed her mind, how could you fight to keep the child? I mean, she is the real mother.

[12] If she gets pregnant again will she just presume you are willing to raise that baby as well?

[13] Aren't you terrified if she sees her she will want her back? I wouldn't agree to any reunions.

[14] Isn't it kind of cold that she doesn't even want to see photos of her baby?

[15] How are you so sure she is being honest with you about everything?

[16] What is her ethnicity? Have you ever question what her motive may be in giving her child specifically to you?

[17] How can she keep her other children and give him up?

[18] Isn't she just torturing herself by wanting to have an open adoption? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if she just stayed out of the picture?

[19] Do you ever wonder just how honest she is being about her medical history?

[20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't make him feel bad?

If your friend is adopting you may have read a few of the comments above and felt a bit guilty because you have heard yourself saying some form of the question. Or maybe not. Perhaps some of the things noted you had felt like asking, but you held off on saying them because it just seemed a bit personal or harsh. Some of the question listed likely sounded so rude you cannot fathom that anyone would say them. Unfortunately, most adoptive moms have heard them all, though from various people.

I personally want to say thanks for being a caring friend and reading this article. Explain to your friend who is adopting, "I really care about you and am excited about your adoption. But I don't always know what okay to say or what may be tacky. Please let me know when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don't do it again."

None of us are perfect, but we can care enough to be informed. That's the best gift we can give to a friend.

Adoption baby books make the perfect unique gift for a family that has adopted. Scrapbook My Adoption uses transparency overlays, digital files or embellishments to make it simple to have a beautiful lifebook your friend will treasure. Find more beneficial tips for friends of those who are adopting at scrapbookm...