Advice Request

[Linda Leigh Hargrove]

I'm working on a talk about adoption to my local MOPs group.

I don't just want to give them my 2 cents. Could you take a moment and provide some feedback on the items below. Thanks so much.

* What are some reasons a person or couple should not adopt?
* What things can someone do to get ready to adopt a child?
* List some resources that are useful to people interested in adopting. For instance: Web sites, books, games, etc.

[Nannette Powell]

Did anyone ever answer your questions? I'm new here, and these are very good questions...I would be happy to help if you still need me!

[Linda Leigh Hargrove]

Hi, Nannette. Feel free to answer away. I've done the talk but I'd love to have your perspective (as an adoptive mom who also fosters) to post on my blog for this month, National Adoption month.

Thanks, in advance. I'll post a link to your site as well.

[Sarah k.]

Ahhhh MOPS!! We go to some MOPS meetings too! I spend alot of time educating on adoption and counseling families interested or in route to adoption. I will try my best to help out...
1) Reasons a person should not adopt: I would have to say number one answer is instability in the home between mom and dad. All children that are coming into the family are going to be starting life anew yes, but with a HUGE piece of baggage called "rejection". The last thing you want to do is to offer them instability as a replacement. Adoption is such a wonderful but also stressful event as it is. There are many other "excuses" I can come up with, but very few are honestly "reasons" to not adopt in the end. You can tell yourself you're not ready, are you ever? You can tell yourself you are not financially set, are you ever (especially with the adoption tax reimbursement and several other financial helpers) ? You can tell yourself that your family members are not "on board", this could be a sticky wicket but also solvable. Many families that started with little to no support from parents and siblings will experience a swing of loyalty when a child is found and introduced. I have personally found that a lot of friction felt from family members during adoption are usually related to "What if" fears. "What if the child doesn't come home in the end?" "What if YOU aren't ready to parent a child that you don't know?" "What if, you find the family is not compatible to the child you bring home?" "What if we can't love a child that isn't blood related?" I have seen all of these "What ifs" melt away once the child was home and snuggled into the family member's hearts, happens all the time.
To get ready to adopt a child. You should research first of all but not so much that you are filling your head with "too much" info. I know that sounds nuts, but too much info can be detrimental to an adopting couple. There are a lot of scary facts out there, take them in stride. Remember that most things said are opinion on "AN adoption" and not all things stated are "universal". You are after all adopting an individual and the person who wrote that book, doctor or not is NOT YOU and their child is NOT YOUR CHILD. So, research, but healthily. Ask plenty of questions of veterans who have "been there done that", especially when it comes to an agency or lawyer you wish to possibly work with to find your child. Don't be scared to ask to much. Find a support group online or locally or both so that you can know that someone is always available to you that understands each and every step you are experiencing. Get and read the book "Complete Idiot's guide to Adoption". There are some great resources in this book including state laws, types of adoptions, how to complete adoption, where to look for a child, and how to decide on what your family can handle special needs wise. Lastly, if you are looking for a child that is perfect or "healthy", you don't want to be a parent. NO child biologically born to you or adopted can fit this bill. Almost every child, especially adopted "can" have a special need that you were unaware of. That is just life. So, enter into adoption objectionally. Deciding what you can handle and then understanding the envelope could be pushed at any time. Realize that special needs adoption varies greatly and can be just "history" or background to consider all the way to a completely imobile child that will never thrive as an adult on their own. Understand that each state, each country has a different definition of special needs and be aware of what that definition is.
Start with the basics when researching such as there are 3 basic types of adoptions domestic, international and foster adopt. Explore all three and decide the best route for your heart, your emotions, your time frame, your "ideal fit" for a child in your family, and your finances. Research agencies by looking up websites such as Yahoo groups "Agency research" and adoption.com. Read information blogs. Contact Yahoo groups of the "type, country, or facet" you wish to use to locate your future child and talk to lots of adoptive families. Talk to adoptees and birth moms too. They are usually an untapped resource where you can really learn a lot of invaluable information.
I hope this helps. I have a section somewhat on this topic on my blog too.. if you need more info let me know...

[Cathy Bearse]

Well if you are infertile that is a reason. I think just making sure you pray alot is something you can do to prepare. You, also, as foster/adopt parents need to understand that with children they bring their baggage. We adopted a ten year old who came with loads of baggage. I love her to peices don't get me wrong - it was just hard sometimes with her. My baby was just that a baby when we adopted her. Be prepared for the questions .. from family, friends, onlookers. Its hard but worth it!!